JOINT BASE MCGUIRE-DIX-LAKEHURST, N.J. -- We are our own worst critics, aren’t we? How many times do we experience a tough situation and always seem to find a way to blame ourselves for it? Even long after the situation is over, we hold grudges against ourselves. How is that fair?
Holding yourself to a different standard as anyone else in the same situation is called a double standard. These double standards can become a way of life and hold us back from treating ourselves fairly. Double standards also make it easy to let others off the hook, others who may actually be completely culpable.
Feeling less worthy than others is an issue that stems way back from childhood, but becomes really problematic when we enter our adult years and still live by the old way of thinking.
We make decisions, like choosing a partner or a job, based on how we think and feel. Maybe at one point in our lives someone told us how to think and how to feel and we continued those patterns because we didn’t know any better. We wound up in unhealthy relationships because we selected a partner who reinforced a negative belief we had about ourselves. We wound up in a job that represents what we feel we are worth. Most decisions we make truly are a choice, and are not forced.
We can self-sabotage, or set ourselves up to fail, because we fear that we will always fail. An example of self-sabotage is selecting an emotionally unavailable partner because of a fear of commitment or fearing any relationship you are in is doomed, or selecting an abusive partner who reinforces negative beliefs you were taught as a child.
At any point in our lives, we can choose what we want to believe and what we want to think. But change is scary. And difficult. Change requires being able to accept exactly how you are at this very moment.
Without acceptance, there can be no change because you can’t change something that is not real to you. By accepting yourself, you are taking accountability for why you have become who you are, making it possible to become anything else.
That is the most difficult part is opening up your heart and mind to alternative ways of thinking and feeling and not knowing the outcome. The old double-standard and unworthy ways of thinking can guarantee you predictable outcomes, although they may be unpleasant, damaging, and may ultimately destroy any chance of happiness. By releasing yourself from the double standard and learning how to believe you have worth, you become unstuck and a plethora of potential prospects awaits you.
For more information on this topic, contact me at 609-754-2542 or jaclyn.urmey@us.af.mil.